Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going