Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

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Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?


no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat


i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”


HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?


The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.


“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.


My husband explaining how to warmup the mower by first priming her and letting her run for a bit, before using her.

I’m standing right here.