Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

My husband explaining how to warmup the mower by first priming her and letting her run for a bit, before using her.

I’m standing right here.

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