@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

You Might Also Like

@buhsbaby_baby

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

@markhoppus

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

@drankturpentine

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

@DocAtCDI

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

@garrydavenport

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

@OusaMedousa

My husband explaining how to warmup the mower by first priming her and letting her run for a bit, before using her.

I’m standing right here.