Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
That’s no pocket rocket.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.