“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Why? Just why? 😂
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this