“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby