men, we mow at sunrise.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.