men, we mow at sunrise.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?