I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Said the murderer.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.