Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
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i still think this meme was really special
Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*
My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana