@VerifiedDrunk I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
@living_marble MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
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@VerifiedDrunk 
@JasonLastname How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
@Jennarater Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
@ThugRaccoons Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
@2questionable Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
@thenatewolf WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
@vodkanopants Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
@Darlainky Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
@TheCatWhisprer I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
@rebrafsim You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical