@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

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@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@stinky_blinders

Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*

My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions

@NYC_Blonde

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one of your friends your ex is going to sleep with next

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@AndLookPretty

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

@Marlebean

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@_elvishpresley_

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana