@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

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@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@anthonyjeselnik

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@Ronbo604

Apparently if you’re asked at a job interview to tell them a bit about yourself saying ” I can out drink my friends” is not what they want to hear

@rebrafsim

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I:

@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’