“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
wish me luck lads
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
seems like a niche market
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now