MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.


I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.


When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.


Apparently if you’re asked at a job interview to tell them a bit about yourself saying ” I can out drink my friends” is not what they want to hear


Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card


“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool


Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I:


*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*


ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’