@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

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@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@Jennarater

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

@2questionable

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

@Darlainky

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

@rebrafsim

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical