Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
LOL!
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My last name is Zilla.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body