Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Rt to bother an English speaker

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”