Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

I went from rags to one rag.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!