Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Nothing.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…