men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Very good! 👍😂
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.