Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

just got my engagement photos

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.