Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You Might Also Like
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
