Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.