Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.