Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color