MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Spotted in the wild
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
the noise i just made
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”