Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

what do you want!!!!!!!!

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

when there are deer in the woods

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.