MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
A Short Story.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.