Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Sunday

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*