Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

A wise man once said nothing.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

me as a parent