Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You Might Also Like
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Doormats are a gateway rug.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no