Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
dude it’s called proctologist
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.