Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
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#milo
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
