Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.