Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The First Farmer
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
10/10 no notes
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.