Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

The opposite of goth is stopth.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s