Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I’m giving up for Lent.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
This is a true ally.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
