Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Interior design 👌
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.