Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
