Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Living the best life.. 😊

First I was a pebble..

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”