men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
boys are so easy to impress
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
as the prophecy foretold
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?