men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING