Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

How do you milk an almond?

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes