Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing