Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.