menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
It’s an epidemic…
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.