menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
But I really needed water water water
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Every house has this drawer
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.