menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*