menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
when you are just born a rebel
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My blood type is b hungry.