menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Anyone really
