Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession