mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.