mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Thursday Thought.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
So sick of all these stupid rules
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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