mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.