mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?