Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana

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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.


Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.


Dating profiles be like:

I like being outside. I also like being inside. I like to go out to eat. I also like to just eat at home. I enjoy going for a walk or a run. Or sometimes not even moving at all. I like to go to the movies. I’m also fine just watching a movie at home


I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.


ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.


My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent


Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.


Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.