Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?