Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms