Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

God has left this place

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.