Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Basically.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much