mentally somewhere in italy
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Breaking news:
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish