mentally somewhere in italy
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.