Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends