MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.