MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.