I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
May never get over this
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes