Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.