Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
