Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

It’s on my to-do list.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

when she block me on everything

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Previously On Persistence 😎

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures