Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

me refusing to leave twitter