Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.