Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

every. time.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

cat vs inanimate object

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Science memes

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

do what now??

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping