Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My birthstone is kidney
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok