Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.