Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I never needed anything more in my life

happy mother’s day❤️

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.