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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
hydraulic press for headaches
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this