Meow
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pot warmers of the day.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.