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Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!