Meow
You Might Also Like
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I used the label maker
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Hmm, not sure about this change
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns