meow
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…