Meow
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
good for her
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
is this how new cars are made??
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
This made me smile…
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras