Meow
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
What
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe