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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Don’t touch that.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.